How To Survive A Shark Attack

Sharks scare me. This may sound dramatic, especially from a girl currently living in a rural (non-picturesque) village in England, but they do. I have lost count of the amount of childhood nightmares I have had of flesh-eating beasts, with their mighty jaws snapping at my little feet as I desperately swim for my life. I don’t know exactly what it is that gives me the creeps about these giant fishies, but I think it may have something to do with their beady all-seeing eyes, or the fact that they have WAY too many razor-sharp teeth for their gums. I mean seriously, is there any need for that many?

After watching many National Geographic documentaries on Sky Plus about shark attacks I have developed a perpetual fear of the ocean; especially the one which surrounds Hawaii. Sharks seem to love Hawaii don’t they? Or is that just me? Whatever the case, I’m scared of swimming in Hawaii, which is a shame as I’d love to visit the place. It looks nice.

And God, don’t even get me started on surfers. I mean they are just gambling with their lives aren't they? I’d love to surf. It’s what cool people do. But in my state of sharky fear I can only view surfers as playing with death. With their surfboards they are merely pieces of dangling bait for the human-killing-machines which lurk within the murky depths. Just waiting.

So anyway, I have decided to be productive about my fear and compile a survival guide. You know, just in case a shark attacks. It really could happen. I wouldn't under-estimate the monsters.

To prevent a shark attack:

Stay within a group. Don’t be the dickhead who wanders off on his own. They are always the first to die in horror movies.

Don’t wander too far from shore. Don’t be a show-off and try to show people your inner fearless diver. Just have a nice paddle.

Avoid water at night. It’s murky and scary. You don’t know whats happening underneath.

Don’t enter the water if you’re bleeding. Pretty basic knowledge really. You’ll just be a swimming ‘eat me’ advertisement for hungry sharks.

Avoid bright bikinis and shiny jewellery. It attracts sharks. So to avoid being on the buffet menu, don’t splash about in the waves done up like you’re the next Naomi Campbell.

So if none of these tips have worked and a shark is on you like its buffet time (poor sod), all is not lost…

Fending off a shark

Hit him. Just pummel the shark in it’s most sensitive areas, i.e. eyes and gills. Simple.

Reduce the shark’s angles of attack. If you are lucky enough to see the shark coming towards you, back up against the nearest rock or coral. That way you only need to fight him head on.

Find a weapon. Use anything close at hand such as rock, swimming-goggles or snorkels. You can even buy a shark ‘billy’ for this occasion, which is a three-foot stick with a sharpened point, made especially for these moments.

Get out of the water. Try to get to shore as fast as you can and search for help. The shark won’t follow.

And lastly never give up. If you cause the shark enough trouble, you may get lucky as he may get bored and seek his meal elsewhere.

Hopefully you will never need my advice. Let’s pray that you don’t. But I’d rather be safe than sorry. And if I ever get to visit Hawaii I’ll now be more likely to have a little paddle knowing I’m an expert in shark attack survival. Just imagine if you did survive a shark attack. That would make a great story down the local pub.